I FAILED!

So this is going from bad to worse! We did so bad on the dietbet neither one of us took it serious! I feel gross and weighting 187 so gained 4 lbs but feels like it is 10lbs. This week was a little better I planned my meals and really tried to stay away from bad foods. But didn't go to the gym all week and I just feel bad and I don't know what is going on. It is all mental! Was considering buying a 10-day cleanse but I feel so silly that I need to buy something to help me get back into the mindset. All I know is that I have to try on my bridesmaid dress on Nov. 22 and I AM FREAKING OUT!

I wish I could be positive and show progress but I'm just not there - and it is really just making me feel crappy.

Thursday blues.

Reality Check

I looked at the date and realized I haven't written a post since AUGUST 27! Lord have mercy.. I have dropped the ball.  

So reality hit me HARD yesterday! I decided to finally face my demons.. and step on the scale. For the last month and some change I have ate what I wanted with some moderation and running 2-3 times a week. Of course I was maintaining but slowly eating what I wanted became more frequent- so thankfully the damage was gaining ONLY 3lbs. I'm so happy that the damage was minimal compared to how bad it could have been. However, this is when it dawned on me that I can't just stop; yes I'm so happy that I lost the 13lbs and went down in jean size however this is not where I want to be. I still want to lose another 10-12lbs, be able to be a size 10 in jeans/ fit into my Watch the Throne shirt and not to mention the other healthy goals I had. I honestly believe that I started to see other bloggers maintaining or just losing motivation that I kind of was like you know what I feel the same way especially how crazy my life had become. I"m in no way blaming my lack of motivation on them I just started to relate to them and ::Kanye shrugged:: this lifestyle change.

Something else that was a reality check was "being an emotional eater" I have always been an emotional eater.. ALWAYS. Having a bad/stressful/want to celebrate day I always want comfort food- usually chinese food. And yesterday was no different. I had a bad afternoon and was motivated all day to work out even printed out a workout and then shit hit the fan I skipped the gym and went straight to buy chinese food. I don't know if I can ever become a non-emotional eater but I know that right now- with everything going on in my life I DO NOT LIKE IT. This is something I'm going to work on in the next couple months as stress levels will be higher with my sister's wedding and the holidays.


Now that I can pin point the problem .. what are my SOLUTIONS.

1. I have to blog 2-3 times a week. NO EXCEPTION. I started this blog for accountability and I need to stick to it because it did help for the first 13lbs.
2. NO more processed food! I have to go back to planning/cooking all my meals!
3. Continue running but add circuit training.

With ALL of that being said.. HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

A year ago... Self Motivation

I'm in a deep rut in terms of motivation. When I first started in May I was full throttle ready to lose 20lbs read to have the dream body by August 25. Well today is August 27 and I"m too scared to weight myself hoping I'm still in the 183lbs area meaning down 12lbs since I started and still far from the "dream body". I'm starting to get ansy about my weight again; uncomfortable with clothes I wear; and most importantly looking for the easy way to lose weight. I started talking some green tea pills and raspberry something or another pills my mom gave me that it is suppose to help. Well every time I take them I feel so nauseous and miserable SO WHY AM I TAKING THEM??!! Because I want to see results without doing the work. Admitting it is the first step. I dropped the ball and I'm disappointed in myself. But struggling with this my entire life and finally putting in hard work and seeing results I'm proud of I can only move forward. Will I be back on the wagon again right away NO. I started off slow and need to gradually get back into it.

I love seeing other people's progress as a form of motivation. I follow every fitness Instagram or people I know have lost a significant amount of weight. However there are times where I need to see my own progress to find that motivation again. So I found some pictures from last year and tired to get similar pictures to see the progress.. (I have realized I need to start taking more pictures HA)



The biggest difference are you usually in my face. Just got to keep trucking away! and like Anne and I always say "we will get through this.. we got this"

4th of July Last Year

Sometime this summer

Almost a year ago 

This weekend 

Coffee Date

One of the bloggers I follow does a Coffee Date post once a week; basically what she would share if she was having coffee with any of her readers.

I haven't had coffee in a couple weeks but I love coffee dates and my obsession with Kelly and Michael I choose this mug for our coffee date...

1. I'd smile and tell you I'm so happy we are having coffee 
2. I'd tell you that I'm okay and everything will be okay 
3. I'd share that I'm sad and still find myself crying more often than I would like but the more we talk the more I know we need this
4. I would tell you that I lost 11lbs officially this summer which makes me so happy 
5. I would tell you that the pants I'm wearing right now are a size 12 from BANANA REPUBLIC 
6. I would confess that the scene from The Notebook (my favorite scene) "It wasn't over .. It still isn't over" has been playing in my head over and over this weekend - 
7. I would tell you that there are days where I want to leave and not talk to anyone- not know anyone and just disappear for a year including not talking to my closest friends or family
8. I would tell you that Ashley is still the only person that knows everything I"m feeling and I feel comfortable being vulnerable in front of her 
9. I would tell you that I feel like no none understands what I'm feeling or what I want to do
10. I would tell you that I ran 5 miles yesterday with the most beautiful views and loved every minute of it 
11. I would confess that summer has always been my favorite season but I'm longing for fall- I'm longing for sweatshirts and my TOMS; maybe I'm just longing for last fall 
12. I would make a joke about someone in the coffee place and I would laugh and laugh because all I want to do these days is laugh 

Hope everyone has a great Monday!! Starting my 21 days Mediation with Oprah today and I'm really excited! 

& yes that was my weight update down 11lbs and will measure soon I promise! 

Rainy Thursday I ADORE YOU

So I have clearly been MIA- I wrote a really sad post yesterday and just kept adding to it and saving it never fully committing to hitting the publish button- and I'm glad I didn't. Maybe one day, maybe even next week I would just put it out there so you all know how I was feeling but for now I'm glad I didn't do it.

 Life is hilarious sometimes and at 23 I think I'm starting to realize that. I am a religious person (yes! shock a homosexual who believes in Jesus how could that be?) LOL I don't fully believe everything the Catholic church preaches but I can't imagine my life without believing that something greater than us has a plan.

Not trying to preach but yesterday I might have had a baby Oprah "aha" moment! This break up is still pretty fresh- like a week fresh (yes I'm going through a breakup with a person that I still live with/love/and respect as a person and is an amazing addition to my life) and long story short we broke up because we need time to figure things out on our own and just needed to be 23 year olds- again maybe one day I will write a whole post about this but right now that is all I want to share.

Back to my aha moment- I felt so overwhelmed yesterday I described it as "being sad with a a hint of suffocation" yes- I felt like I couldn't breathe and I wanted to just  run for hours if I could while it rained would have been amazing. So after some thought I cancelled my dinner plans and decided I needed a day alone- since this all has happened I have had amazing friends reach out to me/make plans/ even Ashley just us sitting and talking about what the game plan is and most importantly letting things off our chest and resassuring that we love each other no matter what. And yes everyone has amazing intentions but I just needed to be alone- I needed to process my own feelings. I'm tired of talking about it- it sucks- lets be honest but I can't just let this sadness consume me .. especially when I"m feeling great about my progress. I know there will be sad days but I also know that I can get through this. Sorry rambling but I was able to do a short run- since I"m still sick ( I know it blows) cook myself dinner/organize some clothes and I felt great- towards the end of the night I got really upset started to cry and I got an email

I signed up for this 21 day Meditation challenge with Oprah awhile back and didn't even mentioned it to Ashley was just like whatever this will be good for my anxiety issues and didn't remember at all until I got that email mid tears.. And I just started laughing like God you're funny! Just when I'm literally mentally bullying myself about this God/Oprah lets me know things will get better. 

I know this post is already long but I need to give credit to the bloggers out there who have no idea that reading their words are really helping. Most of my friends know that I'm obsessed with certain bloggers/twitter people like Luvvie Miss Jia Crissle and Kid Fury all which I found on Twitter. Luvie is the funniest person ever and I just *wall slide* as she says when I read her posts. But yesterday I decided to go through some of her post- she has been blogging for over 6 years now so there is a lot I haven't read but one post caught my attention- when she wrote about her grandmother passing away and she said she would continue to blog because she wanted to laugh and make other people laugh during a time when all she wanted to do is cry. And it hit home so much! No I"m not saying this can be compared to losing a loved one but it hurts and I realized I'm tired of crying all I want to do is laugh. And then look at God/universe sending me signs all day- today's affirmation on my wellness app (yes you can make fun of me but it is needed for my anxiety) 

I love laughing and I love making people laugh.. when me and Rudy get at it and start one of our rants it is my favorite thing we become Maya Rudolph and Kristin Wiig in my mind. So with that being said I just want to laugh if I"m talking/seeing you lets just have a good time! Let's just laugh.


Also huge thank you to Beth who wrote a post about  just letting things out with the stress of planning a wedding and the toll it was taking on her and finished her post with this 

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Happy Rainy Thursday!! and I swear weight updates will come up on Monday!